Happiness Is A Choice
But I am Undecided
For well over a year I put every effort into being prepared for a job opening that I knew would be coming available.
I studied online and stacked up the online certifications that would boost my chances of being chosen for the job.
I did apply for other jobs as well, but I really wanted this ONE job. The perfect job.
When the yearly opening came around, I polished my resume until it sparkled and placed all hope on getting this job. I manifested by speaking the words. I channeled energy by visualizing myself working for the company. I did all the things!! I knew, just knew that I would get this job.
I applied and waiting with confidence for the welcoming phone call.
Instead, I received an email politely thanking me for my interest in the position, but they had decided on a different candidate.
I was devastated.
For days I didn’t even want to function, but I had no choice. I mentally smacked myself into doing the things that needed to be done even though I did NOT want to.
My family needs health insurance. There was no response from any of the back-up job applications. I couldn’t wait another year for the perfect job to come available and try again. So I applied at Walmart and was hired as a cashierthe next day. We will have health insurance by the beginning of August. Problem solved.
This is what adults do. We try for what we want, but when the shit is about to hit the fan we do what is needed, even if it isn’t what we want.
Do I like people enough to pretend to be nice for eight hours a day? Absolutely Not!
Do I need the health insurance enough to pretend to be nice to people for eight hours a day? YES!
So, right now I am sitting in a Walmart break room wearing my nametag and pretty blue vest, writing while I wait for my lunch to heat up. For the forseeable future this will be the only time I have for writing.
I have always believed that happiness is a choice. We take the cards we are dealt, make the best hand we can and hope for the best. We can choose to be happy about our circumstances or miserable. I usually choose to be happy because life is too short to be miserable, but I’m currently undecided.
I am thankful for a job that will provide insurance for my family and before anyone gets their drawers in a twist, No, I do not think I’m “too good” to work at Walmart. It just isn’t the job I WANTED. It isn’t the job I worked so hard to try and get. It isn’t my dream.
Do I have the right to feel sad about that? I believe that I do. Will I dwell on it forever? No, because life is too short for that much misery. Will I take a little time to wallow in self pity before deciding to be happy? Yes, I believe that I will.
Working full time means less time with my family. Less time in my garden, home and barn. Less time with the animals. I feel that I have the right to be sad for a little while, even if I am still obtaining health insurance, which was the goal.
I’ll be ready to choose happiness soon, just not yet.
Personally, I think your reaction to the disappointment of not getting the job you most wanted is, well, kinda heroic. It's certainly practical and pragmatic, which is the kind of reaction anyone grounded in reality would have.
Happiness is a choice is one of those aphorisms that sounds good theoretically but practically speaking is hit or miss achievable. I put it in the same category as "you can't love anyone unless you love yourself". BS Maybe I'm taking both of those sayings too literally.🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes you do what you have to do, like it or not, which is the choice you've made. I applaud your estimable character and have a lot of empathy with your situation. You won't be that Walmart cashier for very long, I guarantee it. I'll tell you why. Because you won't give up.
Happiness may be a choice, but conditions are not. I can truly relate to your difficulties. I spent YEARS working wage jobs (warehouse worker, administrative assistant), trying to apply myself to recovery and to the strange world of normal life, which I had never before had much interest in. I was even one of the unfortunate young men who stand in the Wal Mart aisles and attempt to sell phone and internet plans to folks walking by (I know they're annoying, but please be kind to them).
For a LONG time (nearly two years) I lived in my car. Nevertheless, I was happy during most of that time, because I knew that better opportunities would appear eventually, if I did my best every day. Eventually they did. I also understood that my situation wasn't too bad. I could go outside. I had sufficient food. I had access to books and opportunities during the day (after work) to read them. I was healthy and not in prison and in touch with friends and family. I told myself that I had it pretty good, and I truly felt that way (most of the time).
Now I have a home and a dog and a wonderful professional job.
Your life course is no doubt different, and your challenges are too, but you won't be behind the register forever. Soon you'll be back to tending your farm full-time. Until then you have the opportunity to spread some happiness in the wider world, even if it's just pretend. Pretend friendliness is still friendly!
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/awakening-from-the-bad-dream